Narcissistic Fibrosis

I used to think that being
Banally fucked-up would win me
Cool bananas and chocolate brownie points.

While orbiting the little theatres of my life
I'd catalogue experience
And turn it into this.

Incapable of being present and correct
I'd preside over me
Like a laboratory analyst.

Way to go.
Whatcha learn?
How to make and break a boy.
Way to go.
You're a ghost
And the world's a malleable,
Totally intangible nothing.

I still believe that I can fashion
Love from ink, and will and grace,
I mean the attrbutes and not the awful show.

And I believe that someone somewhere
Will see through the tones within tones
And give my heart a go.

And this belief is all we've got.
If it's a lie assume it's not.
Adopt the faith for the duration of the show.

Time to go.
Adios.
Leave your garments at the door.
I'll ascend
At the end
In polystyrene wings
And all sorts of garish, gaudy things.
I so, very, wont.

Uh-Oh

Rose from the grave of a kid, you did;
In the churchyard, the ground was very hard
From the frost while we swallowed dew.

We fool around on the cold, uneven ground
Then your dad walks in and we go 'uh-oh'.

'That's my dead child you're going wild with.
Show some respect young man.
Why's he show for you and not for me?'

And so we're found on the cold, uneven ground
By his dad who looks just like he's seen a ghost:
'uh-oh.

Then he takes me by the hand.
I choke on the dirt til we're
In a dead kid wonderland where
Love won't die and neither will I.

Ballad of The Dark Triptych of The Soul

“…You fathered so many abortions;
My pillow stained solid by the
Dying echoes of solitude.
I can never take anything again with you.
Too much cancer of the heart between us.
The sheets stained with the blood
Of a haemorrhaging friendship.
I skate around the morsels of your time for me.
But now it’s time to chalk the outline
Of us on the pavement;
To border us in police tape and
Pronounce us dead…”

I thought (I hoped) you’d stay in me forever.
Sick how the body’s so wrong.
I wanted to give it forever.
I ached for the taking so long.
The dustpan may clear up ephemera.
The stains in the rug may well fade.
I’ll smile when we pass on the pavement
But love has become masquerade.

Friends are not here for convenience;
A toy to break in when you’re bored.
You got what you wanted she’s with you,
And I’m in the corner, ignored.
I’ve spent such hurting wrists on the memory;
Sigil and prayer and plain hope.
You risked everything when you took me.
I’m not just a throwaway grope.

I’m back to a self-imposed exile.
Enjoy your princess while you can.
And next time you’re drugged and want sex
I’ll show you the rug and dustpan.
I’m pleased you’re both so reunited.
I’d hate for your heartbreak to last.
Shame that you recklessly blighted
Whatever we had so damn fast.

Shame you gratuitously infected.
A friendship so deep and so pure.
And now that I’m wholly neglected
There’s little chance we can endure.
You expect me to applaud your reunion
Despite all the things that you said.
But it wasn’t a toy but a human;
The cavity you took to your bed.

You used me to work yourself out on.
A sounding bored for your desire,
But what you omitted to count on;
You ignited me now I’m on fire.
I’m going to leave you alone now.
Consider the favour returned.
But when things turn sour who’ll you phone?
How quick paper commitments can burn.

The Same Thing

Why do the body and soul
Talk in different tongues?
I’d kill the body,
Release the heart,
But the heart is so of the body,
So long, isn’t, an option.
(Maybe they’re the same thing.)

Maybe the way to isolate that world
Is to take a blade
And erase the parts
That ache when you walk in the room.
Neuter desire by denial.
(Maybe they’re the same thing.)

Stripped raw of insulation,
I’m subject to the parade
Of your naïve diseases;
Your head’s iron charade.

I’m so tired
But never too tired to care.
When the light withers
My fixation trickles
With the gaze of the moon
And I hurt for you and because of you.

Maybe they’re the same thing.

Joe

"Joe had a father,
And when I say 'had',
Well the story's quite sad,
But it's not like he died,
Rather that he denied
Ever having a son,
Having loved anyone.

Like in Empire Strikes Back
When Luke's under attack
And he just decides rather
Than accept that his father
Is the darkest of forces
He'd use his resources
To turn him around.

Except in our saga,
The absentee father,
Instead of announcing,
Spends his life renouncing
His role and his duty;
Rejects love and beauty,
Shoves his head in the ground.

The inverse of the plot:
Vader states what he's NOT:
"Joe, I'm NOT your father"
And Joe cries "I'd rather
Have a great, willing dad
Than you, so I'm glad
That you won't be around."

Joe's leaving home,
There are galaxies to roam.
There is evil to fight
And recesses to light
In the loneliest souls,
In emotion's black holes.
Who'll be found?"

Atlantic Dash

If it weren't for land
I would hold your hand
Through the chasmic gloom
Of the padded room
Where your head abides;
Where the ruin glides
Through the slalom hell
Of your darkest spell.
I could save up cash,
Make the ocean dash
And elope with you;
'Cause the sea's not blue,
But my wealth is nil
So we'll wait until
By some miracle light
I get rich one night
By some lucky strike
And I'll make the hike,
Cross the trifling sea
Where we'll wake up free
Wrapped in loving arms
And I'm charging charms
So this might just be.
I'd rise up and flee
And our flesh would touch
And our lips would meet
And our hands would wind
And we'd be one mind
And oru sweat would blend
Where the boundaries end
And our eyes would lock
As our hearts unblock
Like a dam burnt out
By a geiser's clout
And the froth would spill
Over trembling hills
And our bodies seethe
And as one we breathe
In ecstatic synch
And I truly think
We could manifest
This ideal, find rest,
Find light, find peace.
We don't have to cease
To exist you know?
Please resist the flow
Of black pocket thoughts.
You must not get caught
In a web that bleak.
That's your damaged streak.
But with tenderness
We can end all this
And we'd enter bliss.

Nick Hudson

The Elegy

1) The God Haemhorrage

2)Bacchanalia

3) Atlantic Dash

4) Black Carnations

5) Argentum

6) the Dream Distiller

7)Very Good For Someone Dead

8) NarcissisticFibrosis

9) The Filth of No Ember

Email: hudsonjnick@yahoo.co.uk to negotiate a trade or to purchase, or just to extend a warm sentiment.

Nick.xx