The Gut Chronicles: Close(st) Friends
Dear Joe,
I now feel everything's been resolved, we're psychically galvanised and prepared to wrestle the world to the ground. I love you but I'm not in love with you, I'm sexually into you but I'm not desperate for the validation of our relationship through sexual union...which ultimately may provide exactly the sort of dynamic conducive to casual but mindblowing sex, should the mutual urge naturally arise...previously the lust of result was overbearing and of course, impotised the likelihood of you ever conceding to my deepest aches and desires...and so the recent forays away from our situation have reoriented my perspective on so many things. I'm gleaming with a positive pragmatism and I love you more than ever only now this love isn't the love borne of dependence, desire, addiction, but the love of whole-hearted appreciation of your existence and our union as tandem travellers, and the excitement that coarses through me when I consider the landscapes we have yet to traverse together...well...it thrills and astounds me into a state of near ecstatic anticipation well beyond the shallow weight of hype...more the absolute knowledge that the times we have shared and will share are invaluably precious, delicately brilliant and always such blistering, exhilarating kicks to the soul. Even if geographically our paths disperse I have absolutely no doubt that the foundations we've laid will transcend any base logistics, our fusion is way too intuitive and intangibly solid for physics to contravene... And yes, as I observed last night, one of us will attend the other's funeral...which is such a mixed and bittersweet blessing...and it won't be happening for a fucking long time oh my brother. I hope that we'll enjoy sex together at intervals throughout the trek, as I know now I'm functionally equipped to handle it with perspective and assurance. It's been a gradual and debilitating process; teaching myself not to get so fucked up after a sexual encounter...previously I'd cry, I'd get bored, terrified, fuck off half way through, freeze and go flaccid, break down...not necessarily all of the above throughout any one encounter...but now I feel prepared to actually enjoy sexual encounters and disassociate where appropriate, I guess my sexual pathology will always be dangerously submissive, but as long as I retain the capacity to cycle through the multiple simultaneous identities as and when they're called for, then this crippling submissive urge shouldn't bleed into other areas of our relationship. For a while I used to totally get off on you beating me up and the terror of recognising this dynamic as a sequential continuation of the Ben, Richard etc lineage only compounded the eroticism...but then on hallucinogens that night I tried to enforce a simple truth, in that history is not condemned to repeat itself and that I have the choice to break from tradition if I rigorously employed my will to such an endeavour...as such, I still crave really heavy, rough, violent sex with guys that satisfy that side of my aesthetic, but will retain the perspective to stay healthy and secure beyond and outside of the theatre of sex. Still LoveSexRomanceFriendship is such an inscrutably amorphous melange, it's little surprise I periodically relapse into chaos, even if it happens with less foreboding frequency. Anyway, I want you to know how absolutely and completely I love you my beautiful, consolidating, gorgeous and eternal friend. Forgive the legacy of my adolescent programming when its hallmarks rear their diseased heads and know that my love for you transcends any of that shit. If I'm occasionally demanding physically, in the realm of hugs and proximity, remember that sometimes I'm too exhausted or lucidly compromised to engage with anything other than the warm, familiar skin of someone I absolutely value, love and care about. Excuse my regressive foibles, they constitute about one percent of my contemporary self and I've done such militant and uncompromising soulsearching across the inner galaxies that I feel I can afford to be less than perfect just occasionally...hehe. And when I photograph someone so beautiful as yourself, I get almost nauseous with the process. Seeing you framed through the viewfinder, it formalises your beauty and creates objective distance between photographer and subject to such an extent that all of the energies are amplifed and concentrated. It's almost claustrophobic. Every time I feel so sick with disorientation that I have to extricate myself from your company to recover my sense of completeness...such a devastating osmosis occurs when the image of you is framed in that lens, that all I can do immediately after photographing you is cuddle you with awestruck and ruined desperation. So, these discrepancies accounted for (I hope) I want you to know that these dumb approximations of my love, respect and compassion for you will never be entirely adequate so I'm reduced to implementing the nebulous, the universal, the evasive but so totally true:
I love you and will always love you, unconditionally despite and because of everything, I love you.
Nick.x
I now feel everything's been resolved, we're psychically galvanised and prepared to wrestle the world to the ground. I love you but I'm not in love with you, I'm sexually into you but I'm not desperate for the validation of our relationship through sexual union...which ultimately may provide exactly the sort of dynamic conducive to casual but mindblowing sex, should the mutual urge naturally arise...previously the lust of result was overbearing and of course, impotised the likelihood of you ever conceding to my deepest aches and desires...and so the recent forays away from our situation have reoriented my perspective on so many things. I'm gleaming with a positive pragmatism and I love you more than ever only now this love isn't the love borne of dependence, desire, addiction, but the love of whole-hearted appreciation of your existence and our union as tandem travellers, and the excitement that coarses through me when I consider the landscapes we have yet to traverse together...well...it thrills and astounds me into a state of near ecstatic anticipation well beyond the shallow weight of hype...more the absolute knowledge that the times we have shared and will share are invaluably precious, delicately brilliant and always such blistering, exhilarating kicks to the soul. Even if geographically our paths disperse I have absolutely no doubt that the foundations we've laid will transcend any base logistics, our fusion is way too intuitive and intangibly solid for physics to contravene... And yes, as I observed last night, one of us will attend the other's funeral...which is such a mixed and bittersweet blessing...and it won't be happening for a fucking long time oh my brother. I hope that we'll enjoy sex together at intervals throughout the trek, as I know now I'm functionally equipped to handle it with perspective and assurance. It's been a gradual and debilitating process; teaching myself not to get so fucked up after a sexual encounter...previously I'd cry, I'd get bored, terrified, fuck off half way through, freeze and go flaccid, break down...not necessarily all of the above throughout any one encounter...but now I feel prepared to actually enjoy sexual encounters and disassociate where appropriate, I guess my sexual pathology will always be dangerously submissive, but as long as I retain the capacity to cycle through the multiple simultaneous identities as and when they're called for, then this crippling submissive urge shouldn't bleed into other areas of our relationship. For a while I used to totally get off on you beating me up and the terror of recognising this dynamic as a sequential continuation of the Ben, Richard etc lineage only compounded the eroticism...but then on hallucinogens that night I tried to enforce a simple truth, in that history is not condemned to repeat itself and that I have the choice to break from tradition if I rigorously employed my will to such an endeavour...as such, I still crave really heavy, rough, violent sex with guys that satisfy that side of my aesthetic, but will retain the perspective to stay healthy and secure beyond and outside of the theatre of sex. Still LoveSexRomanceFriendship is such an inscrutably amorphous melange, it's little surprise I periodically relapse into chaos, even if it happens with less foreboding frequency. Anyway, I want you to know how absolutely and completely I love you my beautiful, consolidating, gorgeous and eternal friend. Forgive the legacy of my adolescent programming when its hallmarks rear their diseased heads and know that my love for you transcends any of that shit. If I'm occasionally demanding physically, in the realm of hugs and proximity, remember that sometimes I'm too exhausted or lucidly compromised to engage with anything other than the warm, familiar skin of someone I absolutely value, love and care about. Excuse my regressive foibles, they constitute about one percent of my contemporary self and I've done such militant and uncompromising soulsearching across the inner galaxies that I feel I can afford to be less than perfect just occasionally...hehe. And when I photograph someone so beautiful as yourself, I get almost nauseous with the process. Seeing you framed through the viewfinder, it formalises your beauty and creates objective distance between photographer and subject to such an extent that all of the energies are amplifed and concentrated. It's almost claustrophobic. Every time I feel so sick with disorientation that I have to extricate myself from your company to recover my sense of completeness...such a devastating osmosis occurs when the image of you is framed in that lens, that all I can do immediately after photographing you is cuddle you with awestruck and ruined desperation. So, these discrepancies accounted for (I hope) I want you to know that these dumb approximations of my love, respect and compassion for you will never be entirely adequate so I'm reduced to implementing the nebulous, the universal, the evasive but so totally true:
I love you and will always love you, unconditionally despite and because of everything, I love you.
Nick.x
posted by Nick Hudson at 9:26 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home