The Haunts Of My Youth

"You treat your girlfriend like shit. I hear you treat your girlfriend like shit. If I was your girlfriend, I'd ask you to treat me like shit. If I asked you to treat me like shit, would you"

"You heard that?"

"Yeah, we could live in this house and I'd let you do whatever you wanted to me."

"That sounds really amazing. You could live like my wife, and I could be abusive and sadistic to you, make you scream my name."

"Wow, you're a poet. Would you do that?"

"Sure, but, I'm really not into that. I'm looking for tenderness in a relationship."

"But you did treat your girlfriend like shit, right?"

"Well yeah. Er. I dumped her by text."

"Shit. That's harsh. But. I thought 'shit' meant hitting her, and forcing her into brutal sex against her will, general demoralizing stuff, like regarding her with less respect than you do your own tired fist. I guess I misconstrued it some. But that's what I mostly imagine you doing when I'm, you know...Sorry."

"In some universe, that's what happened then. You're just unlucky to be in this one. I guess you could hail a cab?"

"Hehe. Is that your dog over there?"

"No. I did hit her once. My girlfriend."

"No way."

"She was being so annoying."

'Did you bend her arm around her back and breathe violent, damning insults into her ear while you gutted her insides with your iron fist of a dick? Sorry, I'm being sick...and weird."

"Hehe. Look man, it's fine. Once I did get pretty violent with her. I think she enjoyed it, so I stopped. She got bored and we drifted quickly apart."

"Do you miss her?"

"No. I've still got my dick and my brain. And my fist. Haha."

"Wow, you're the whole package."

"What d'you mean?"

"I mean, you're, gorgeous, strong, manly, pretty damn funny. You've got a charisma and a...charm I find really sexy."

"Easy man. But thanks. Look, I'll tell you what. Here's my number. Give me a call, then I'll have your number, and next time my parents are out, I'll dial you up and we can do whatever you want, ok?"

"You're taking the piss."

"No way man. Straight up. This is obviously important to you. I'll call you up, invite you in, then do whatever: kick you to the ground, piss on you, rip your arm behind your back, tear you up on the floor, spit on your face and rub it in the carpet, pull your hair hard, fuck you brutally etc. You seem like a nice guy. I'd like to do this for you. For one night only."

"You sure you're not shitting me?"

"Look bitch. I'm so absolutely serious about this. So accept this gift with grace or I'll swallow my number and we'll go our separate ways. You hear?"

"Shit, I'm getting really excited."

"I can, er, see that."

"I'm so sorry."

"Forget it, I'm flattered. I guess. So what's it gonna be?"

"Ok man, no contest, give it here. I'll call you up dead soon.

"Yeah, give it a few days, then, when my parents are out, I'll call you up. Take it easy man."

"Jesus. Thanks so much. You'll see me dead soon."

"Shit. You want me to kill you too? Haha."

"No, I meant, you know, turn of phrase, 'in a while' etc."

"Look bitch - you like it when I call you that don't you - bitch? - I'm kidding. That last bit about killing you. Although if you were interested. Freudian slip and all that?"

"You're freaking me out. Do carry on."

"Well, if you know where to find this house, and I fucked you up, and took my sweet time torturing you until you're dead, nobody'd find your body for ages. And if it goes real well, then you wouldn't be recognisable anyway."

"I'd so love to be not recognisable. You have no idea. How come I'm not freaking you out?"

"Meh. You're just a kid who thinks and feels too much. It's my duty as an 'indomitable sexual predator' to help you out. Plus, I'm bored of wanking. And if I treat you like a woman I have zero respect for, I'm sure I could pull it off. As it were."

"You ARE a poet. Would you really kill me?"

"If you asked me to. Fuck, I dunno. Are you seriously asking me to?"

"I don't know. I haven't asked you not to yet, have I?"

"Does that make it a default 'yes please'?"

"For months I've had these spectacular dreams about you devastating me. It's pretty much all I think about. Does that sound weird?"

"Of course. But like I said, I'm flattered. Like, really complimented. My girlfriend was into really boring sex. Pretty much turned me off girls. So if I'm gonna fuck a boy in the ass, and rip him to pieces - a tailor-made sex outfit for you I believe - then now's the opportunity. One night only. Where's this house?"

"Are you free tonight?"

"Hey kid, patience. If you wanna jerk off, don't be shy, it's a bit fucking late to go all timid with your jeans bulging like that, just let her out."

"I'm wondering who's weirder?"

"Look, if you're having second thoughts I can be out of here in no time."

"No. Ok, here goes. Could you, do you think..."

"Look, if I get you in a headlock - were you bullied at school? Did you like it?"

"On both counts, a big fat smiling yes. They put me in a sack once and wrestled me to the floor. I had to hide in there until my hard-on'd cooled down. But yeah, headlocks are go-o-o-o-o-od."

"Ok bitch, here I come. Can I spit in your hair?"

"Please? Oh man, that's so FUCKING good. Pull it. Ahhh. Fuck. Ow. More please."

"Haha bitch, you're such a pathetic little bitchwife, I'm gona rape you in your sleep, and even if you keep one eye open all night, it'll be the wrong one. Can you still breathe?"

"Yeh. Tighter."

"Shit, you weren't kidding. How's this."

"Ugh..Grnn."

"Good."

"Ok schhhtop."

"What? Ok."

"I've gotta get back for my dinner. Let's do this properly when your folks are out I'll head round your way and we can look for this house."

"This is the weirdest afternoon I've enjoyed in some time."

"Is that a good thing."

"I've enjoyed it. Thanks. What's your name?"

"Nick. I know yours."

"Yeah?"

"It's written all over my pencil case in pink marker."

"Now you're freaking me out. Haha."

"A Joke. Seeya around Joe."

"I'll see you dead soon. Ha."

"Hehe. I think I love you."

"Freak."

"Fuck you. Thanks."